I know I said I wanted to keep up on my blog this pregnancy, but that hasn’t really happened. I’ve been stunted and unable to fully form my thoughts. There are many drafts, edits, and re-edits of posts I haven’t published yet. There is technically only one belly picture posted so far as well, which is odd for me. I’m not entirely sure why I haven’t shared much about this pregnancy. Maybe because I was so public about Aerilyns? Who knows. I do know that I feel like by not posting, I’m not giving those who’ve become pregnant or are thinking of becoming pregnant after a loss the proper feedback. No struggles, no joys; none of it has been shared and I apologize for that. Maybe I’m hoarding this little girl. Whatever it may be, I’m gonna give you some big updates here. Hopefully, that’ll clear some things up and spark new questions to be asked.
For one, holy cow! Twenty weeks already? I’m amazed I’m already at this stage.Currently, this muppet is growing right on track and by all accounts, perfectly healthy. We’ve seen no signs of Anencephaly, other genetic problems or abnormalities. Each tidbit of information has made me one happy lady. To know that I’ll get to hold her longer than thirty-seven minutes of her life is a joy I cannot begin to describe. My belly is where it should be, I did suspect an anterior placenta and had that confirmed on Monday. Which means the placenta is basically where my belly button is, instead of in the back that most babies have. The only thing it changes is I feel her movement less than the other two, or it’s more muted as there’s cushioning for her to kick against. However, for me, it doesn’t matter if she’s not felt as much because she is a very calm and relaxed baby. I gave her orange juice before my anatomy scan and typically that makes babies bounce and squirm around. Her? Nope. She was content to hardly glance our direction and didn’t kick much. Even without the ultrasound to confirm she’s relaxed, I would have known. Don’t get me wrong, she moves and has parties in my belly plenty. She’s just more content to be calm and let whatever happens, happen. We’re hoping this translates into babyhood. Haha.
We do have a name! We’ll announce it soon enough and per our usual, it’s not something most people use. Kanin loves her name and already has a nickname for her. At first, when we asked him what her name should be he said Tuna Fish Sandwich… Why on Earth he said that is beyond us. He doesn’t even eat tuna fish. Strange, strange kid. He’s super excited for his new baby sister and loves to feel her in my belly. I cannot wait to watch them bond once she’s born. I can already tell he’s going to tell her all about Aerilyn since he still likes to bring her up as much as possible to almost anyone. He’s such a good big brother, let us hope it stays that way. Lol.
We’ve also started setting up for her, and we finally picked out her first outfit. It’s adorable. I cannot wait to dress this little girl and see who she becomes. My bank account is not going to appreciate all the spending that will happen in her lifetime. I can hardly handle how darling all these clothes and bows and shoes are. I’ve held back from buying everything I see, but it’s becoming harder the closer we get to meet her. Soon I’ll be doing a baby shower which will ultimately get me even more cute things. And don’t get me started on the cloth diapers! In a few weeks, there’s a Rumparooz trunk sale near me to debut their CARE BEAR line!. Care Bears people, Care Bears. I’m probably way more excited than I should be.
On to other news… Being pregnant has been a challenge for me, emotionally wise. Physically hasn’t been a cakewalk but emotionally, it’s much more difficult. For me, having another baby wasn’t in the plans. I was pretty sure I didn’t want any more kids, so that was a big adjustment to wrap my head around. To go from knowing I didn’t want any more kids, to “hey, you’re pregnant” wasn’t easy and I knew it would bring up a whole boatload of issues. The biggest one for me is that I’m not ready to have another baby, not in the way I need. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super excited for this little girl and don’t regret her at all. I just need you to understand that having another baby means letting Aerilyn go in a very real way that I wasn’t ready to do. Aerilyn was going to stay my little girl, my baby and the baby of the family. Now her sister will be the baby of the family and she’ll join Aerilyn with the “sister” title. I know Aerilyn will always be my little girl, but now it’s different. Letting her go in this way will be a battle I’ll probably be fighting until this other little girl makes her appearance.
Another problem that I never expected was to be sort of bitter to feel this little one’s kicks. Weird right? Well, bear with me while I explain. See, I can remember how Kanin felt and remember his favorite positions, same with Aerilyn. However, now I have a new baby to add to my memories. Not a bad thing at all. But Aerilyn was the last one in my uterus, she was the last one to “touch it” and to kick in those same places this one is kicking. Part of me is envious it isn’t Aerilyn’s kicks just one last time. Does that make sense? It’s hard to articulate without sounding cold.
Either way, it’s hard for me. Sleeping, I should say dreaming, is difficult for me more and more these days as well. I keep having dreams that this one turns into Aerilyn at birth and I don’t get to keep her. Just last night I dreamt Aerilyn lived and was a toddler, but I ended up killing her by donating her organs as if she were a baby. So strange, but they bring up fears I haven’t thought about or even considered. Basically, this journey has been a rollercoaster of emotions and new things pop up every day. I’m hopeful my anxiety over her surviving goes down.
Kanin started kindergarten a few weeks ago and he’s done pretty well. Not only does he love his teacher, but he talks all about what he does and has made “all of the friends” according to him. Apparently, lunch is his favorite part of his day. As if I make lunch any different at home than at school. HaHa. Kids are straight weirdos. His favorite class so far is music. He talks about how cool it is to play instruments and to sing and dance. He’s gotten a bit grumpy at night but that’s to be expected with a total schedule change.
I’d also like to mention that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. October 25th, 1988, President Ronal Regan declared October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It’s also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.” Spread the word on this subject and make it less taboo. The more it’s talked about the more those parents who’ve lost those children won’t
I have plenty more to talk about but I think this is plenty for now. Especially because rereading this has made me realize it’s a bit difficult to follow my thought patterns. Sorry! So for now, be on the lookout for her name and happy Fall!