A Little Subtraction And Addition

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The day I found out I was pregnant with Kanin I was shocked and straight up terrified. Although he was wanted and worked for, I don’t think I was mentally prepared to actually get pregnant. Weird concept when you think about it, however, it was my reality. Even though I’d been pregnant before, he was different. Not sure why maybe my motherly instincts knew he was going to be my first living child; even that early. Who knows. But it happened and then that test became a baby. He’s now five and tearing up the world in all his maddening glory.

Going through fertility with Aerilyn I also knew  I was pregnant. They say not to test early because it can and most likely will show a positive even if it’s negative. They, as in doctors, tell you you won’t really know until a month or so after, in our case, the IUI. A week after our insemination, I knew without a doubt I was pregnant again. I felt different, I felt “off” and not in the “I just did fertility treatments” kind of off. No, being pregnant off. I was elated when my test did show positive and I was proven right. Even though I was so steadfast in my knowledge of being pregnant, I was hesitant for some reason. Eventually, that reason came to light with her Anencephaly diagnosis. So even though I knew I’d become a mother again, apparently my instincts were right and I had cause to be leery. She’d be one year and seven months —eight months in a few days— now. At this stage walking, more like running, would be her main focus. Getting into everything and terrorizing her brother, I’m sure. The world would be a wondrous time for her right now. We miss her so much. ❤

I recently had my gallbladder removed, June 2nd to be exact. I’d been feeling terrible pains, nausea, vomiting and lacking the ability to eat. Once I had it removed my stomach still didn’t feel right; I was still nauseous and just felt off. My doctors all contributed it to my stomach getting used to the new “system” that was my guts. It sucked. I was miserable and thought it was just my luck that I’d be the percentage after gallbladder removal that would have to stick to a new diet. That did not sound like fun at all.

Fast forward a week or so and I decided to rule out an almost impossibility; a pregnancy. HA! Not only did I not rule it out, I got a big fat positive! That’s right, I’m pregnant! 

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Rainbow Baby Coming

HOLY FUCK, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! All capitals, and bold face for reason. In all seriousness though, those were the first words to race across my brain and out my mouth. I sat there for a minute and decided I’d go buy another test because that one could have been old (from a year ago) and maybe it was a false positive. Middle of the day and having drank a TON of water, when they say not to take one, I peed on another stick. HA! Again, it showed a true positive. Once again, how in the hell did this happen?

Why did I keep asking myself that you might ask? Funny story. I’m not one to shy away from our fertility struggles, miscarriages, and infant loss. I mean my whole blog is based on my struggles with it all.

Hard fact number one: Zero fertility was used. The chances of me becoming pregnant on my own are less than 5%. 5%! Beat the odds there.

Hard fact number two: Josh was gone a whole month. Why does this matter? Again, funny story. See when I went to see Josh in San Diego I started my cycle the day I left, April 29th, 2017. Josh did not come home until May 22nd, 2017! Almost a month later! Then add in he was on duty a few days, the surgery I had June 2nd and our conception date is literally down to within five days. How the heck did we manage that? A freaking month after a woman gets her cycle she should be getting a positive pregnancy test, not just then getting pregnant.

Hard fact number three: I was tested multiple times, blood and urine for pregnancy because I was going in for a surgery. It was missed, I was too early or I’m a freak of nature and it just wasn’t time for us to know. Any way you spin it, I was actually pregnant during surgery. Which means not only was I and this baby subjected to sharp tools in my belly, but multiple anesthesia drugs, narcotics for pain, antibiotics and many more random things that were given to me leading up and after my surgery.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was calm. Maybe calm isn’t the right word. At peace? Naw, that doesn’t describe it either. Any way I try to spin it, it boils down to this; I’m not worried about this baby. I’ve had minor freak outs regarding Anencephaly and obviously parenting after loss. Typical things you expect after our tragedy. However, I haven’t felt this baby at risk. I mean, it survived a surgery with me, a crazy conception date. Plus a hospital stay for Hyperemesis Gravidarum and my crazy life. This baby is still alive and kicking. We’ve seen it a few times on ultrasound already and each time it has looked perfectly normal. Monday, the 14th we go in for our official Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors appointment. This is the appointment where they’ll definitively (as much as they can) tell us if this baby has Anencephaly or anything else wrong at this point. We’ll also be doing our genetic screening like we did when we found out about Aerilyn. Josh and I have decided that no matter what, we’ll ride the ride and get as much time as we can with this baby like with Aerilyn. We’d just like to know for peace of mind or to plan fun things like with Aerilyn.

To say Kanin is excited is like saying the ocean is a pond. This kid cannot wait to see this baby. At our last appointment, he was immensely saddened that he wasn’t going to get to see the baby outside mommy’s belly that day. LoL! He asks me all the time if the baby is still making me sick. Unfortunately, morning/all-day sickness is real. Although it has subsided a bunch, I’m still subject to random episodes of it, smell triggers and the ever lovely lets just be sick today stuff.

Although he is excited, me being pregnant has definitely hardened the fact that his sister died. He constantly tells us that he hopes this baby gets to live. That he wants this baby to come home with us. He looks at the ultrasound pictures and tells us he’s glad this baby is alive still. It’s sad, but I understand it’s a necessary thing for him, it’s how he processes it all. We tell him so far this baby is doing well and we’ll get to keep it for as long as we’re able. A rough road for sure, but worth it.

Even though this was unexpected news, we’re happy and hoping for a fully healthy baby to take home. My due date is roughly February 22nd, 2018 which makes me 12 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I’ll try to keep more on top of my blog now that we’ve released the good news. What better day to announce a new baby is on that baby’s father’s birthday? Josh turns 31 today, you know what that means? It means when this baby is eighteen, he’ll be forty-nine! He may feel old today, but he’ll be feeling much older then. =) Happy birthday, baby daddy. Thank you all for the congratulations and trust me when I say, this will be a fun and bumpy ride.

2 thoughts on “A Little Subtraction And Addition

  1. Anonymous says:

    You and I have never met but I am so thrilled for you. Kate Wedman is my granddaughter and she called to give me the news. I plan to start another blanket for you and this miracle baby to come when you know boy or girl tellKll Kate. Will keep you all in my prayers. Judy Worthington

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