Your mind is your prison when you focus on your fear. – Tim Fargo
For as long as I can recall, I’ve had anxiety. It’s never been outlandish, just the simple social awkwardness and feeling of being overwhelmed in large crowds. After Kanin it became extreme, but I managed. After Aerilyn it skyrocketed to astronomical proportions. That didn’t surprise me, what did was my inability to handle it. Once I recognized what was going on with me, I utilized my therapy to help relatively control it inasmuch as it can be controlled.
Aerilyn forced me into taking care of myself more than I have in a very long time, if ever. Then when Josh and I decided to geo-bach, I knew I was headed for anxiety filled days. I wasn’t wrong, but again, I managed. And honestly, up until these past few weeks, I hadn’t realized how much I’ve changed. How much I’ve centered myself and learned not to let other things and people bother me so dang much. I’m able to take the high road much more and I’m able to use my pragmatism to help myself in ways I didn’t think possible. As I was realizing how much I’ve governed my anxiety I also realized that I’m a much different person than I was years, months, even weeks ago. But I started slipping
This past week and a half I’ve been more volatile and quick to jump on any thread of anger that crept out of stillness. That’s not okay to me. I’ve worked unbelievably hard to remain calm and watching it go out the door felt like a part of me was slipping away. I liked how I was being. I enjoyed the lack of stress I was putting on myself and everyone around me. I was letting things lie, be as they should be and not worry about how it was possibly going to influence me until it did. All of that was glorious. So what changed, what made this peaceful lake I’d found, thrash around like an undercurrent?
Discontent is what I think has caused this upheaval. Honestly, I’m not thrilled to be in Washington. It holds a lot of memories that I’d rather forget, plus it has terrible weather the majority of the year. Being here without Josh is also upsetting to me, he can’t help when I do want the help. Nor am I particularly having fun navigating Kanin’s growing emotions as well as my own. I miss my friends in New England and the comfort in knowing I can go to them with any problem and they wont judge me. That if I’m crying about Aerilyn or anything else, they’d be there; no matter what. I miss my routine I created there and my independence. I wasn’t fond of New England’s weather either, but at least I had stability. Something I most certainly don’t feel here.
How do I get back to roots? By letting go of every damn thing that I cannot control, which is a whole hell of a lot. When I’ve been particularly unstable, I’ve practiced Yoga. Yoga has always been a go-to for me, even in my youth I enjoyed knowing something as simple (which it isn’t) as breathing could help me focus on me and not the chaos that is around me. Now, as an adult, it is no different. Taking comfort in knowing my body helps me still myself. Paying attention to inhales and exhales, seeing how far my body will stretch or how long I can hold a pose creates a space in my mind that nothing can penetrate when I set my mind to it. Recently I’ve been having to do Yoga on the semi-regular, which isn’t the norm for me. Once a week is normally sufficient, but right now in my current emotional turmoil, it’s not.
The other night I did ninety minutes of Yoga and still felt like I was being dragged by the foot down a gravel road behind a horse. It hasn’t been fun for me or Kanin. I feel bad for taking my emotions out on him and I’ve had to adapt to treating myself like a child and question whether or not my problems are small, medium or large. Because frankly, if it’s anything but large, it’s not worth getting that upset over. It sucks. No one likes being treated like a child. So to curb that, I need to let go. I need to release everything that is causing this emotional buildup and get back to what was working for me.
Making routines, setting a schedule for myself and taking care of myself need to happen. I cannot let them slid, I cannot give myself a pass and think I won’t end up back to this detrimental emotional place. So I will be getting back to myself. I will release myself from this emotional dungeon and be okay. Until I get fully back on track, I’ll continue doing Yoga and most importantly, I’ll be doing this mind bending exercise right in front of Aerilyn’s shelf to remember she started all this and her brother is why I keep doing it.