Cosmic Paralysis

Recently I wrote about feeling like I was running out of things to say, therefore causing me to feel frustrated and stuck. Thanks to my amazing therapist, I got set straight and reminded that this will be a life long thing. I’ll forever feel challenges from Aerilyn’s death, which means I’ll always have something to talk about. Yes, other people have said similar words including but not limited to Josh and my sister, Jennifer. It’s different coming from a therapist. I don’t know why, it just is. LoL.

Right now I’m at a crossroad; continue towards self growth or stay frozen in time. Growth encompasses learning to live my life to the fullest, being happy and content even with the behemoth of Aerilyn’s death in my heart. Frozen means staying exactly where I am. Not allowing myself to “move on” and staying in a place where not only does Kanin suffer, but Aerilyn’s memory.

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If you die tomorrow would you hope and pray your family and friends moved on, lived their lives and eventually became happy? Of course you would! Who would want them to stay anchored in that time. That’s cruel and will ultimately make you miserable. Same goes for our children. How many times do you hear of dying children tell their loved ones to not be sad? Or that they’ll be okay and don’t cry for them? All the time. So why, with this knowledge, would I feel like I should stay stagnant? I shouldn’t, and don’t… not anymore at least. Aerilyn would want me to continue my life and be happy! It’s a disservice and dishonor to her to use her as an excuse  to stay miserable and in turn, those around me.

In this crossroad, I choose growth. I choose happiness. I choose to take the most terrible thing to ever happen to me and make it my pinnacle point. To make it my defining moment. The moment everything changed for the better.  I cannot stay locked in place and expect to be happy. Aerilyn will always be with me, no matter my location or point in my life. She cannot be removed, she cannot be forgotten and she certainly cannot be my excuse.

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