I told you all I couldn’t decide exactly how I wanted my blog to look. That indecision is still there and it’s steamrolled into something entirely different and unexpected. I’ve been struggling with what this blog is for. I started the CaringBridge site as a way to inform family and friends of what was going on with us during my pregnancy with Aerilyn. Then it turned a little more public because of other Anencephaly groups and after 10 months on CaringBridge, I started this one. Now after 19 months, Aerilyn’s pregnancy and the first year without her, I am not sure where to take this show. Obviously I still struggle with the loss of my daughter and am very early in my grief (yes a year in is still early), but I’m not as emotional as I once was. It’s a different kind of struggle and it’s left me floundering. I don’t like it.
This blog was to help me keep Aerilyn alive in ways I hadn’t thought possible. And ultimately I’ve accomplished that. In 19 short months I’ve reached over 12,300 people between the two sites. That’s astounding. People from Australia, Brazil, Europe, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Greece, Singapore, Mexico and so many other countries have seen my story… Aerilyn’s story. It’s extremely humbling to know that she’s touched that many people from all over the world. Where do I go from here?
Where do I go from here? I keep repeating that question over and over hoping an answer will jump out at me. So far it hasn’t. I have a notebook exclusively dedicated to my blog. Ideas, formats, words, quotes and many other things are written in it. That question has been written down a few times. Look, I even added a picture of proof! That’s just one of the times it was written. I’m so damn frustrated!
I’m not like many other bloggers. My content is very personal and set for a bereaved parent. There’s countless blogs out there written by moms and life with their kids. Those kids are living and constantly giving that writer new content to post about. Sports bloggers have football, baseball, basketball, tennis, swimming and countless other sports that run year around. Then there are cooks/chefs who blog. Obviously that’s ever-expanding. Do you see what I mean? I have limited resources. I can only give you as much as I’ve got and since Aerilyn’s physical life was only the length of a pregnancy, that’s all I have. Yes I have the grief, which of course I still talk about and experience each day and as I grow and go through it I feel it’s not enough. How do I write about new things and include Aerilyn at the same time? How many ways can I express how much I miss my girl?
The amount of frustration I’m feeling has me going in circles and trust me when I say, this loop is not fun. Hopefully I’ll figure out this conundrum soon…