Karma: action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation

Karma is something I whole heatedly believe in. Some people call it cause and effect, some call it divine intervention. Whatever you call it, it’s real to me. I believe that what you put out in the universe comes back at you. Be it good or bad, it’ll come back. So why has so many bad things happened to me? I like to think I’m a good person; maybe I was a serial killer in my past life.

Have I not done enough good deeds in this life to make up for any bad I’ve done? These are things I’ll never get an answer to. The why’s in life are never truly explained. That they’re not explained is frustrating for someone like me. I’m pragmatic, I like structure, I like order and I like to know why something has been done. It helps me cope with whatever it is. Well there is no answer to why Aerilyn died. There’s no answer why I’ve been dealt such a horrific hand and why I’ve been surrounded by so many terrible people I trusted.

Order in chaos doesn’t happen and that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to shove my emotions into this box and explain everything. I’m seeking reason and order in a chaotic emotion fueled world. One of the reasons I cut my hair was to feel in control about something and although I love my hair, it didn’t work. I have no control.

That notion scares the crap out of me. Living life on a whim doesn’t appeal to the OCD type A personality I have. I fight it, I fight it like a wild animal  fights captivity. How do I let go? How do I sit back and let whatever is going to happen, happen?

These feelings make no sense to me considering my last  post about letting go of pain and being vulnerable. But guess what? Life isn’t a straight line, feelings and emotions aren’t linear. They’re fluid and ever changing. Although today I’m feeling very karmically unbalanced, tomorrow can be better. In a few hours, things can be better. The proof is in my posts. You can see how often my moods swap and how sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air and yell “why me” and then a few days later I’m back to accepting what’s happening. I wish I could plot my life on a chart and make it perfectly linear, but where’s the fun in that? Although fluidity causes constant unknowns, they’re not all bad. Surprises can be good or bad and I need to believe the good outweighs the bad or at the least they cancel one another out.

My birthday is in October and my astrological sign is a Libra. If you know anything about the ways of Libras, you’ll know we absolutely love balance. Not everyone believes in Astrology, which is fine. However, you if ever want to understand me more, read about Libras. It explains me so much! I even have the Libra Scales tattooed on my arm to represent how much balance means to me.

So, even though right now I’m feeling unhinged, I’ll continue to fight for balance. I’ll fight to feel even keel, even if it doesn’t always work. I probably feel like this today because after a great weekend with the family, Josh had to go back to Connecticut.  I cannot wait for this geo-bach (geographic bacholor-ing for those non military) to end! Just some random ramblings for the day!

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