Happy birthday to my one and only Aerilyn Grace. I cannot express how much you are missed, loved and wanted each and every day. There is so much I wish I could say and do with you. I’ll have to settle for making memories in your honor and showing everyone how amazing you were. From the tips of your toes to your beautiful eye lashes, you were the epitome of love and while you’re gone now, you will forever live with Kanin, Daddy and Mommy. You will forever be in my words, and I’ll always say your name. In my darkest days, your name will live on. It’s impossible to forget such an amazing little girl. ❤
One year?! Who would have thought it would come so fast? Certainly not me. I remember it just like yesterday, whether that’s a good or bad thing, I’m not sure. Being induced followed by her dramatic entrance and ultimately giving her up to the funeral home… It’s mind-blowing to think that was a year ago.
I can say without a doubt that I would not be the person I am without Aerilyn happening. Although her death was a tragedy, it was a blessing. Not that I think her death was a happy thing, just what her death has done for those around her. I’ve learned that even in my worst moments, I can survive. I can survive and come out on the other side a whole different person; stronger, more resilient and definitely more malleable.
Before Aerilyn, I used to feel so much resentment towards the universe for the hand that’s been given to me. Now, I see how much I’ve overcome and how much I can rise above and take whatever else life throws at me. Losing Aerilyn was the worst thing, hands down, that has ever happened to me. Yet I’m grateful for her. I’m remarkably thankful for her. She’s given me my life back. She’s given me a new appreciation for Kanin (even when he makes me question my choices). Aerilyn was perfection in a body. Okay, not physically in a technical sense, but she was perfect. Who wouldn’t want to feel nothing but love?
Aerilyn has brought Josh and I closer than ever before. During and for a good six months after she was born, we weren’t on the best of terms. Who could blame us? Our daughter was about to die, then ultimately did?! We’ve made mistakes, we’ve said hurtful things and both of us have been selfish. Aerilyn forced us to confront different contentions in our marriage. If it weren’t for her, I don’t think we’d be together anymore. No one wants to admit that their marriage was in trouble, even worse, no one wants to admit it on a blog! Yet here I am, saying it out loud. All because my little girl has compelled me into talking with others and saying things I don’t normally speak out loud. If it weren’t for Aerilyn I wouldn’t have the courage to write here. I wouldn’t have had the nerve to face my marriage, her death and what it all means together. Thanks to her, I’ve been able to reach people I never would have thought . By virtue of her, I’m happier now than I have been in a long time.
Today we have some things planned for Aerilyn on her big day. I’ll be posting a blog about it once I get a chance. But until then, help me wish this treasured girl a big Happy FIRST Birthday! We love you Aerilyn Grace! ❤