Yesterday a year ago, we announced Aerilyn was a girl. I loved creating her announcement.
Kanin was involved and that made it all the more special. We kept the shirt as a memento. It’s doubly special because Kanin’s hands are forever imprinted on a shirt for his sister. The day we took the photos it was sunny and perfect out. Just like these two silly kids.
Six months have passed since Aerilyn came into the world. It’s been a long six months and it doesn’t seem to have an end in sight. I’m glad time has passed because that is one day/month closer to maybe being in an okay place from all this. Then there is the other side of this, I hate that six months has passed. That’s six months since I held her. Six months until she’d be a year old. In the grand scheme of life, six months doesn’t seem like much, but to me it’s an eternity.
At this stage, she could have been army crawling, like Kanin did; maybe even cruising along the couch. There coud be teeth in her pretty pouty mouth and she may have possibly said a word or two. This is such a pinnacle time in a baby’s life that I’m not enjoying with her. I’m not sure how to reconcile with these milestone moments. How do I move through life knowing these times are passing by with no recognition?
This past weekend I moved and I had to box up all of Aerilyn’s belongings and take them to my new place. I attempted to take all of her stuff together because I didn’t like the thought of it all scattered about. It wasn’t entirely successful, but that’s okay. Moving her out of that house wasn’t easy for me. I hated the house I just moved out of. There are so many bad memories and things that remind me of times and people that I loath. Yet, it was still hard to move her out of that house. It was where I spent my entire pregnancy and although there is a lot of bad, there is some good. It’s also the last house my fuzzy, fuzzy Jordana spent. Too much happened in that house and I didn’t want to move Aerilyn from the only home she’s known. That sounds pretty ludicrous considering she was never outside my womb anywhere but the hosptial. Grief isn’t logical.
Another issue with moving has been finding a place for her. Right now my place is in boxes, strewn about and has almost no rhyme or reason. Which is annoying me so dang much. I’m a clean freak, I’m OCD in my organization and without order, chaos ensues in all aspects of my life. Not having her shelf up is driving me mad. Straight up bonkers. Her pictures aren’t up, there are no funeral flowers displayed, her urn is on top of my fridge because that’s the hightest point right now. It’s utter chaos.
So while unpacking and organizing are a must, my main focus and drive in doing all the cleaning and unpacking is finding a place to honor my little girl. She deserves her own space, not on top of a fridge or in boxes.
On top of being six months, I never finished my Awareness segment, which makes today even more horrible for me. My last post I’d mentioned being on the mend and my sickness seemed to be dissipating. Joke was on me, I got worse a day or so after that post. I’ve been sick in some capacity and not able to write. I apologize for that. I will once I’m settled and am not on my proverbial death bed.
The only thing that has made this entire process easier— from my being sick to moving everything— has been Josh helping me. Without his help, I wouldn’t have gotten as far as I have, so I have to thank him for that. He’s helped keep some of my sanity intact.
Tonight, in honor of Aerilyn and her six months, I am going to get a banana split from Aggie’s and look at the stars. The banana split probably wont be as big as she used to enjoy, but at least it was one of her favorite foods. Then I’ll go back to the chaos that is my home and try to find her place in it. ❤