Yesterday was Valentines Day and it was spent taking care of a sick kid and Deadpool. Kanin has been sick for the past few days, high fever, vomiting, coughing and runny nose. It’s been terrible. Apparently he picked up something when he was playing at a jumping area in Dover, NH. Thanks to my brother-in-law Adam, we were able to go to a “late” showing of Deadpool. Late being 9:40pm. Although being parents, that is late.
We went and got a few drinks, ate cheesecake bites and then binged on popcorn all while reclined at the theaters. It was a pretty good night topped off with some video games. Thank you for watching the sickly Adam. It was nice to go out and be adults for once.
Although last night was fun, today is filled with loneliness. Loneliness only Aerilyn can cure. Two months ago Aerilyn was born. Two months ago she died, almost to the minute.
At this point on December 15th, I was looking at her on my chest, soaking up every single feature of her. Her long eyelashes —they were gorgeous—, her vernixed covered nose and her little pout. It was all perfect.
Life without her is not perfect, nor will it ever be. There will always be something missing in my life; in my heart. To think I’ve been without her for two months is a gut punch. It makes me feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out and had some rabid animal feast on it. I miss her more than words could possibly describe.
Everyday I surprise myself at how low I feel. How do I keep sinking? I’m in a battle and it’s not pretty. One side is the fierce fighter in me. The one who never gives up, who always tries to make things work. The other side is depression; no need to describe that. Right now that deep dark depression is wining. It’s snuffing out the parts that make me, me. Along with a long history of never truly discovering myself, I’ve lost my identity.
I never figured out what I wanted to be as an adult. Sure there were ideas of things that appealed to me. When I was a child, playing soccer was my life; I fully expected to go professional. However, circumstances changed and I no longer wanted that. Then I thought about being a Marine Biologist. The appeal of that was the ocean. I love the water, specially the ocean. To study the creatures of that vast sea was so appealing I really considered doing it. That is until I saw how much schooling I had to do. No thanks! I love to learn but I seriously hate school! During all of those thoughts, I always kept in my mind to be an author. My imagination would be perfect for non-fiction. I mean perfect! Why don’t I write? Inspiration. I don’t have any inspiration and haven’t for years.
So what do I do when I grow up? Where is my direction? I’m lost. I feel like a faceless woman walking around. I’m losing my battle because I have no direction, at least partly why.
I’m starting to doubt myself. I’ve been doubting my writing ability, espeically when it comes to this blog. Which is really weird because I just kick started this new website. Being as open as I have been is scary; at this point in my grief, telling you all how I feel and what’s going on in my life is down right terrifying. What if I say something and someone takes it the wrong way and reports me? Who knows what someone will do or take from my writings?
I have three or four drafts of different blog writings I was going to post, but haven’t. I write, delete, write delete and start all over. I’m not sure why I’ve started doubting my ability to write. It’s obnoxious and infuriating. There are so many thoughts running through my head that aren’t making it on paper for whatever reason. I feel like I’m all over the place, not being able to focus on any one thing long enough to convey it.
“I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty and I could not have described it any better.”
That. It’s perfect. I think that might be where I am. I’m at a loss for how to describe what I’m feeling. I’m at a loss as to what to say to anyone now.
Hopefully I’m able to start posting more. It seems pretty silly to me to start this blog/website then stop after one post! SO bare with me while I try to get back into the swing of things.