Too Long

Originally a CaringBridge post. Link to original post is the date.

Jan 15, 2016 11:50am

Today marks exactly one month since Aerilyn was born. Exactly one month since she died. I don’t know where that one month has gone. When I told Josh it’s been a month, he told me that we’ve been busy. How is it we’ve been so busy that I’ve not realized it’s been a month? It’s been simultaneously the longest, yet shortest month of my life. I foresee my life being that way for a long time; maybe forever. Eternally standing still, yet forever free-flying. Don’t get me wrong, I feel every day of that month. Every minute stretches on yet it’s a flash all at once. Does that even make sense?  Throughout the day I wish for it to be night time -mainly so Kanin will be asleep- but as soon as it gets to be night/bed time I want it to be day. During the day I’m forced to see everything that reminds me of Aerilyn and my grief; of my failures. The night I don’t sleep, plagued with inadequate things I did during the day. If/once I do sleep, my subconious is an asshole. I’ve always had pretty vivid dreams…nightmares really. Now it’s even worse. I cannot escape at any point in 24 hours. My dreams are of terrible things. Sometimes I dream of Aerilyn, mostly in a tortious way. I’ve had dreams where she is with me and perfect -not that she wasn’t- and I am holding her like nothing ever happened. Then I wake up. In those moments after waking it’s like losing her all over again. I feel the injustice of it all. I feel the heartbreak that I felt when I handed her over to the funeral home. I feel every ounce of that month without her. I spent those few moments with her in my sleep which is full of joy, peace and contentment, only to wake and be tortured all over again. I love dreaming about her, but I hate how much it hurts once I wake. So where did one month go?

One month of crying at least once or twice a day; on a good day. One month of feeling a bone aching pain from not holding my baby. One freaking month of struggling every day. What would she be doing at one month? Would she have been a good nurser unlike her big brother or followed in his footsteps and been a big pain in the nipple? What would her wardrobe look like? She didn’t live for more than a day and the clothes we have for her are amazing and there’s a good amount of them. Her whole life is contained to a box of memories and clothes she never got to wear. Would she be a good sleeper and like to cuddle like Kanin? Co-sleeping would have definitely happened. It wasn’t in the plans with Kanin, but that’s how we ended up and he loved it. Then he transitioned to his bed really well. How would I be juggling both kids at this point? Would I have a good routine (as much as you can with a newborn) or would it be chaotic and full of late nights or early mornings? So many questions I will never have answers for, only imagination. My heart longs for her and the things I’ve missed out on. Every little girl I see, my heart aches for the little girl that I didn’t and don’t get to raise and never will be able to have. No parent deserve to have their child’s life end before it even really had a chance to begin. We played a song at her memorial called Gone Too Soon by Daughtry. It perfectly describes how I feel these days.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvpoYxwI08M

Gone Too Soon – Daughtry

Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don’t think of you,
I’m always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother?
One thing is evident,
Would’ve given all I had,
Would’ve loved you like no other.

Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don’t think of you,
I’m always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
Oh
I’m always asking why.

Not a day goes by,
That I don’t think of you,
I’m always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon,
You were gone too soon
Yeah.

Not a day goes by,
That I don’t think of you.
I have no idea how I’ve survived so far. Well I do. Josh. Josh has been the only thing that has helped me keep going this past month. I’m not sure how he’s been able to deal with me, Kanin and himself, but he has. He’s doing 95% of the cooking, which should be a shock to everyone. Anyone who knows Josh, knows he’s once burned pre-made spaghetti. He hasn’t burned a single thing this past month and has made some delicious food. Be very impressed with his cooking, I know I am. Then the cleaning, he’s tried to keep on top of that, as have I. Yet it seems like we can’t keep up. Normally I’m a clean freak, messes bother me so much, still do. However, I have no energy to keep up with it. Josh can’t cook, clean, parent and take care of me too. That’s asking too much, but he’s still doing it to the best of his ability.

He gives me daily reminders of how well I’m doing that day, even if I think I’m making a mess of everything. He reminds me how at only a month out, I’m doing more than he thought I would. Or even telling me how strong I am. Small things that I wouldn’t have thought that helps in some way. Although with my low self esteem, I scoff and don’t believe a word of what he’s saying. That’s a flaw of mine that I’m working on. But it’s the thought that counts and maybe one day I’ll believe what he says . =)

Josh went back to work this week and oh man has it sucked. I get full on anxiety at night thinking of the next day and what I’ll have to do. Even if it’s as small as taking Kanin to daycare, or even worse, taking care of him all day by myself. That freaks me out. I dread each day he has to work, then each hour he’s gone. I hate it. I also hate how dependent I’ve become. I’m not usually this needy and to be in constant need of anything -Josh or chocolate cake- makes me feel useless and cumbersome. I repeat, I hate it.

So completely random. I’ve been considering moving this blog to a more malleable site, but I’m still on the fence. I’m also not sure of the name. Josh says “Bereavement Blows” should be the name. What do y’all think? That’s a completely serious question. His ideas have been quite interesting to say the least. LoL

Edit: I’ve been writing this over the last few days. Today is officially the day and I haven’t left my bed. My phone is ignored and I haven’t replied to anyone or anything. Sorry to inconvenience anyone, not trying to be a jerk. Just a stay in bed all day type of day…

Let me know your thoughts.

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