The Last Day

Originally a CaringBridge post. Link to original post is the date.

Dec 14, 2015 9:19pm

This is the last update I’ll post before I give birth. I am 41 weeks and 4 almost 5 days. (It’s 10:20pm). Reality has set in that tomorrow may be the last time I feel Aerilyn move and be in my belly. To say that’s rocked my world is an understatement. I am full of anxiety, dread, regret and an overall sense of “I do not want to do this”. I don’t want to go through labor. I don’t want to potentially kill her through pushing. I don’t want it to be the last day she is alive. I don’t want her to die.

It kills me to know that once she’s born, her survival rate is basically zero. There’s no changing those statics no matter how much I try. I’m a control freak. I make lists for my lists, I color code…the whole nine. To not have any control furthers my dread in tomorrow. I do not relinquish control very well and certainly not in the fate of my daughter. I’m still not giving up control no matter how much I try or should. It makes life, especially tonight, difficult. I am not prepared is pretty much every sense.

There’s no way I’d ever truely be prepared for this. Be it with mementos, picture ideas, adventure list. Those are only substitutes for the real control and preparedness I would like. If I could truely prepare myself for her birthday, I would have. But there’s no way! That’s beyond frustrating for me. Ahhh!

Okay I’ll leave the control subject.

My sister, brother in law and nephew flew in on Friday. I’d never met my nephew, so meeting him has been a blast. My mom and step dad flew in last night as well. I had not seen any of them since Kanin was 2 months old. I’m glad my family has been able to come and see me pregnant for the first time. The help has been pleasant as well. Lol

Today my mom, sister and I went for pedicures (which were amazing), lunch at Ri-Ra’s Irish pub and went Christmas shopping. Of course I had fish and chips and my toes are pink for my girly Aerilyn. The guys made dinner; steak, asparagus and baked potatoes. There’s a final banana split in my future too. Overall, not a bad last day.

Tomorrow I will be making a call at 6:30am when to come in for my induction. Once that time is established it’ll be the waiting game. Joy!

The picture I attached isn’t of me, but of 179 names of babies lost to this dreadful diagnosis. This not only represents the children lost, but the parents and family who’ve suffered and grieved their passing. Aerilyn’s name is on this. They are all there because someone loved them. Someone chose to do the unspeakable, the unimaginable and carry that baby to term. It is one of the hardest things to do. To love and nurture a child for 9 months, only to KNOWINGLY give them up. We learn their personalities, we learn what they react to and their favorite foods. We get to know them on a level that others can’t understand. We go into this knowing we’ll have to give up this life we’ve grown attached too. It’s not easy. It’s not even in the same realm of easy. So when you read these names, know they don’t just represent those innocent lives. They represent every kick, every food craving, every heart beat of their short lives. The tears everyone shed, the void, the pain the joy and laughs of every family member that these babies had. This picture is a tree miracles. No matter how short their lives were, they’re miracles.

Please keep all of us in your thoughts as we head into the unknown tomorrow.

Christmas Tree

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