Fake!

Originally a CaringBridge post. Link to original post is the date.

Nov 12, 2015 1:09pm

    37 Weeks (11.12.15)

37 weeks used to be full term. Nowadays they consider 39 weeks, but it’s more to discourage women to “start” labor or schedule an elective induction or c-section. Many women are so uncomfortable at the end of pregnancy and just want it to be done and over with. I completely sympathize, however babies will come out when they’re done cooking. Be patient! Now that I am 37 weeks I’m a ticking time bomb. My days and nights are filled with heavy contractions and slightly milder braxton hicks. I am able to time them, and they’re pretty consistent. If I were a first time mom I’d of been in the hospital or doctor getting checked out for labor. However since this isn’t my first rodeo, I know when I can go in. I also got the all clear to labor for awhile at home since I am experienced. I had a doctors appointment a few days ago and I’m officially on baby watch. I was 1 cm dilated, 50% effaced (thinned out) and my cervix was very soft. Add that to an ultrasound showing my placenta is mature, meaning pretty much at the end of its rope, labor can happen at any time. A lot of babies with anencephaly go over their due date and have to be induced. This is due to the lack of chemicals their brains are supposed to make and kick off labor. However, it’s hardly uncommon to go into labor on your own, especially being a 2nd+ time mom. My body clearly knows what it’s doing, so I personally think I’ll go into labor on my own, or at the very least dilate a substantial amount before I’m induced. I’m also measuring about 31 1/2 -32 weeks, which is on par with how big she looked in the ultrasound. That puts her at maybe 5-ish lbs. It’s hard to get an accurate measurement due to her head, but since the ultrasound and my uterus are measuring about the same, I’m hard pressed to say she’s anything bigger than 5 lbs at the moment. It’s really common not to have a “normal” size baby, or uterus in this situation. Many women measure small, many measure big when they get polyhydramnios. Luck of the draw and all based on your specific case. Although I’m not as big as I was with kanin, I certainly feel huge. She still takes up all the room in there, I can’t really touch my toes and seeing anything under my belly is a impossible.

Her ultrasound was awesome. She had pouty lips the entire time. Her cheeks were big and chunky and he definitely had perfect fingers and toes. We got pictures of her with her finger on her chin “thinking”. A hand under her chin, over her face and feet pushing against me a bunch. We couldn’t get a clear picture of her head, she had it buried in my left hip. The most we saw was up to a partial eye socket. We don’t know if that’s because she’s missing that much, or if it were her position. I’m more inclined to say it was her position. We’ve seen she has orbital sockets, just nothing behind them. Little girl just wanted to keep her head hidden from view. That’s fine by me though, I already know she’s missing a good portion of her head, I didn’t need the confirmation. I just wish I could have seen her eyes more. We did see her pee. That was really funny. We were checking to make sure she was a girl and just watched her squirt. LoL! That may seem gross, but it’s actually a good sign. It means she’s swallowing and her kidneys are functioning properly. Overall, we got a ton of pictures, some videos and got to see her one last time before she’s born. Jessica (the owner) at Ultrasound Suite in North Hampton, NH was amazing. She was so awesome and gave us a ton of time with her and made sure we got to see everything we could. http://ultrasoundsuite.com I recommend her to anyone who wants a diagnostic ultrasound, or a simple elective one like we had.

A sweet momma is throwing me a baby shower/ Celebration of Life next weekend, the 21st for those who want to come. Let me know and I can invite you to the event. Of course this is all up in the air since there’s no guarantee that I’ll still be pregnant. It was originally for the 28th, but with early labor signs, we’re trying to move it to next week. Men, women and children are invited. The momma who’s throwing me this shower lost her sweet Rachel December 3rd, 2010; my due date and her 5th birthday. Stacy has been so kind to me in the short time we’ve known one another. She’s already gifted me a memorial box, hand and foot molds and other tokens for Aerilyn’s keepsakes. I can’t thank her enough for this.

Another woman, Kaitlin, and her friend are trying to do things for me. Even a simple gown to wear at the hospital for pictures (which I hadn’t thought of) is so thoughtful. I can’t get over how much these women band together and help “one of their own”; a bereaved mother.

Currently writing this my doorbell went off. On my porch was a box from another group of amazing people. I am in a due date group on Facebook from when I had Kanin. We all have a child who’s Kanin’s age, and through thick and thin they’re there no matter what. Being online can put distance between people, but this group has been a saving grace for all involved. No matter how active or inactive me, or anyone else is, they always think about someone. In this case, I received a stitched blanket (I will post a picture) and an amazing card. The blanket has a stitched saying on it, “Now she flies with the butterflies… Aerilyn Grace Miller”. It’s so beautiful and I was not expecting it at all. To be feeling so alone and feeling like Aerilyn is getting lost in the madness, it’s beyond anything I can articulate… Thank you guys so much. you have no idea how much it means to me. So for those women who’ve helped me recently, sent me things and are genuinely good people, I thank you. The world needs more people like you. ❤

This brings me to the fake part of this. I am enraged more than you could possibly understand right now. Betrayal. Deceit. Lies. Disrespect. Hypocrite. Those are just a few adjectives to describe a few people, one in particular in my life. You know when you develop a friendship and you use one another as confidants,  as a support system then turn around and back stab them? Oh wait, that doesn’t describe friendship. That describes a self centered, backstabbing person. No one would intentionally befriend this type of person. No matter what you’ve done for them, they do whatever fills their drama cup that day. It doesn’t matter if you were there to support them during a scare in a pregnancy, a possible familial loss, spousal troubles, body image issues or even my favorite, talking about their best friends behind their back. That should have been my first clue this person was a terrible friend. Friendship. To me friendship includes support. Trust. Communication. Honesty. Reticence. None of that includes gossiping, telling another secrets or breaking trust. All that happens from caddy bitches. Do not befriend caddy bitches. They’ll show their true colors in the long run and end up hurting you. What is worse is they cohort behind your back with someone who’s ALSO supposed to be your support system. I’m sorry, but anyone who can put more heartache and more grievances on someone who’s about to lose their child….they deserve a special place in hell. You’d think YOUR FRIEND losing a child is enough? Nah, not to this person. This person seems to relish in creating drama and fueling more despair in an already grief filled situation. Fuck You! That’s all you deserve and I truly hope karma’s a bitch to you and this bites you in the ass.

Ha! I sound so vindictive and mean. If only you knew exactly what the situation entailed. However, if I did a full disclosure, there’d be a lot of ruffled feathers. Last weeks post already made a few people quite angry. Well, at this point I doubt my posts are going to get any more chipper than they are. I’m at best, a few weeks away from losing my daughter. Things are going to get heavy and ugly and so emotionally charged that I’m sure people will shy away. That’s fine, that just shows me who can handle a real friendship. A true friendship will endure someone at their worst and I’m not sure how much worse it can get than losing a child. I’m a “call it how I see it” type of person. Passive aggressive bullshit annoys me. Aside from straight naming these screwed up people, I’ve called them out. This isn’t being passive aggressive, it’s just being slightly respectful. Something many don’t deserve. So don’t be passive aggressive with me, grow some balls/ovaries (whatever you’d like to call them) and open your damn mouth. Take responsibility for your actions, don’t hide away, that just shows how guilty you really are. If you’re more than willing to open your mouth to other people, make damn sure you can handle opening it to me, and the fallout it creates.

On that note, I’ll wrap this up. Having as many contractions as I am, I’m trying to remain as calm as possible. As if that could happen! BTW, Ignore my hot mess of a face. I haven’t slept in forever!

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