Originally a CaringBridge post. Link to original post is the date.
Another week gone in a flash… relatively. 24 weeks has crept up and slap me in the face. Joy! Today also marks Josh’s birthday, hence the shirt. Happy birthday daddy, both the kiddos would love to have you home.
I had a doctors appointment a few days ago. Everything is normal, I’m measuring where I should be, vitals were all within normal range and we got to hear her fast little heartbeat. Aerilyn is an active, strong little girl. She keeps me up all night, I can’t keep anything on my stomach or she’ll remove it. Watching my belly bounce because of her can be quite funny, as well as entertaining. A few weekends ago we went to Water Country, a water park in NH. It was a fun experience, taxing with toddlers and frustrating with idiotic adults. Ultimately though, it was a fun time. I will post pictures of that soon–hopefully. Unfortunately there’s not much to update about her, which I guess can be a good thing. She’s acting like a normal, healthy little girl.
I’ve been sitting on this post (below) since the last week of July. I wasn’t sure if I should post it since I’m very blunt and “in your face”. The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off I hadn’t posted it yet. Then the anger really set in when I realized it was keeping me up at night. At night I’d mentally add to it and hope in my sleep deprived state, I’d remember what I “added” and write it down. Ultimately I haven’t added to it, not because I didn’t want too. But because I was too busy with everything else. Although I’m sure I will by the end of the post. I thought about it constantly and now, I’m posting it. Everyone be damned.
Here it goes…
I need to vent, put some things out there and make sure there’s no misunderstandings. If you think this is about you, you might be right. If you’re not sure, ask. Simple as that. As our time is dwindling, I’m feeling the need to make it perfectly clear what our wishes are.
There are only certain people allowed to come to the hospital when Aerilyn is born. If you haven’t been invited, or know for a 100% FACT that you are
invited allowed up here, don’t be surprised if you show up and you’re not welcome. If you’d like to visit us at some point, whether it is before she is born, after she is born or you’d like to try and meet her if time allows, ask! However, don’t expect or assume we’ll say yes based on who you are or what our relationship is with you. You know what they say, assuming makes an ass out of you and me. Although in this instance, only you.
I’ve ran into this dilemma a few times. Don’t think that coming up here during the worst event of our lives makes you helpful. Some people hinder more than help. The people who are already set to come up here were chosen for a very specific reason. They help, they’ll keep any unneccessary “things” from burdening us and they’ve supported and helped us since we opened up about Aerilyn. These people will be staying in our house or if for some reason, will make arrangements for in town. Anyone else is on their own.
This time is and will be the most difficult of our lives. And here we/I am having to field idiotic, insensitive people. What is about to come is from me (Nicole) only. I won’t put Josh’s name since this is specific to me….. Guess what, I DON’T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK! I could careless who you are, who you think you are to me or my family, your opinions, thoughts and words to me mean zero! Unless you are about to lose a child, are walking in my shoes or know how I am coping, you can shut your mouth. No one has any right to voice ANYTHING on what we’re doing. If I want to sell all my belongings, hop on a plane and disappear for who knows how long, then that’s my proghtive. If I feel like taking a trip to my favorite place in the world and it looks bad to everyone else, guess what? I don’t care. I’ll go to Tahiti right now if that’s what is going to make my life easier in this moment.
I’m juggling everything right now. Normal everyday life things. Being a military wife, a mother, sister, daughter and even a damn dog owner. On top of those daily things that even without Aerilyn’s diagnoses, can be taxing. Especially when you do a lot of it alone. Being attached to the military forces me into being alone more often than not. Then lets add my daughter is about to die… I couldn’t careless about anyone else right now. No one else matters except me, Josh, Kanin and Aerilyn. No one. We are the ones most affected by what’s going on. We are the ones who will have to learn how to live with part of us gone. We are the ones who will have to relearn everything we know about what’s most important to us. No job, no person, no single object is more important to me than this small family we have created. If that insults you, if that makes you angry or whatever feeling it may stir in you. Keep it to yourself. Obviously we know this affects more than just us. We know our families and friends grieve. However, it’s not your daughter and I hope to hell you never sit in an ultrasound room and find out your child is going to die before they even get to live. Or you lose a child before you go yourself. I hope you don’t have to think about what kind of funeral or celebration to have. To cremate or to bury. What flowers, what music, what outfit will your child wear when they leave your arms. Are you going through any of that? If your answer is no to any of that, then your opinion on the matter, whether good or bad, doesn’t really matter. In the end, we’re the ones who have to make the decisions and live with them for the rest of our lives.
Obviously we don’t mind encouragement like we’ve been receiving from so many people. Don’t think this is a deterrent to get people to leave us alone. That’s not what this is at all. What this is….it’s a wake up call for those who’ve made problems in the past. Who don’t speak to us and yet think we have a high opinion of them. For people who want to create more problems in our lives than what’s already going on.
I really can’t thank those who are helpful, enough. Helpful with their words or actions, thank you.
I try really hard to keep these updates uplifting and positive as much as I can given the circumstances. I will continue to try to do that, however I’m done putting on a face and acting like everything is “okay given what’s going on”. Me pretending or certain people believing everything is alright has done nothing but hinder me/us. It’s made people believe our life is under control, that we don’t need the extra help.. any number of things. Now look at us. Josh is in shift work. Kanin goes to bed between 7-8pm. He gets no time with his dad, I get no break and making appointments is a constant struggle. I have almost zero support in this god forsaken state and we have so many things to do before December and no time to do it. Pretending has isolated me more than I already am and I’m sick of it all.
Everything! Literally everything is a struggle for me right now. How do you struggle with everything while having little support and come out on top? That’s the conundrum of my life. For me, there’s no coming out on top right now. It’s more like crumbling and trying not to take everyone with me. I have no more to give to people. I just don’t. Sad fact of my life, but it is what it is.
That was weeks ago. I still feel the same way!
You may, or may not have noticed I’ve ignored and distanced myself from social media these past few weeks as well. I hardly post on there as it is and distancing myself even more was pretty easy to do. I also distanced myself from everyone. But wait, didn’t I just say I was tired of being isolated? Well, yes I did and distancing myself from social media as well as everyone else hasn’t changed that. It hasn’t added to it either. Nothing has changed. Empty words, false smiles, shutting down anything is said and talking behind my/our back….it doesn’t help. I bet that ruffled a few feathers, once again, I don’t care. Nothing anyone can do or say could make me hurt worse than I already do. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt anyones feelings, or made them question me.. All of it, take it as a side effect of what I’m going through. That’s all I really have to say on the matter.
Well I think that’s more than enough. Here’s to another week.